Monday, April 05, 2010

Corganwatch: Fool's Mate

The gossip blogs will not let go of the fact that Billy Corgan and Jessica Simpson like playing chess together. Let us touch but briefly on the reason why everyone likes the idea of Jessica Simpson playing chess with Billy Corgan. It is because in the minds of unimaginative people, Jessica Simpson is perceived as stupid; Billy Corgan is perceived as having many pretensions toward intelligence, tempered with some actual intelligence (both qualities being in evidence in the lyrics for Marquis in Spades); and chess is perceived as for being a game for great big super-brainiacs. So the idea of chess (very smart) being played by Billy Corgan (very pretend-smart, a little actual-smart) and Jessica Simpson (in no way smart) is amusing to people who like to see themselves as arbiters of smartness by dint of their own massive intellectual prowess, and who read gossip blogs about Jessica Simpson because all that curing of the AIDS with their perpetual motion machines gets tiring at times.

Anyway, so now we can move on to the real story, which is that Billy Corgan was never dating Jessica Simpson in a way that would cause you to overemphasise the word "dating" while making a "finger going in and out of hole" motion with your hands. While refusing to deny this rumor afforded Billy Corgan the valuable opportunity to have people paying attention to him while he expressed the exact same opinion of John Mayer held by everyone else in the entire world, apparently this was all a ruse. Billy Corgan is dating Jessica Origliasso, who, while she has the same first name as Jessica Simpson, is in no way linked to the singer; Origliasso and her twin sister are the Australian pop duo The Veronicas, despite neither of them being named Veronica.

While lazy speculation might have it that Corgan is either dating an obscure pop singer instead of a well-known one so as to get indie props (a ridiculous proposition), or dating someone whose publicist does not have to be consulted before sexual intercourse can be commenced (an only vaguely ridiculous proposition), Corgan has been spending his nights far more wisely than that. By playing the chivalrous celebrity chum in one move and the backstage feel-copper in the next, Corgan has distracted us from his real strategy, that of helping his longest-running pawn back across the field, that she might once more become the queen of fans' hearts. Obviously Billy Corgan is not such a bad chess player after all!

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