Friday, January 29, 2010

I Am A Fan of Kiwi Pro Wrestling.

As the South Pacific's answer to the WWF has recently released a slew of posters for your enjoyment (and potential purchase!), let us peruse their wares, and their stable while we are about it.

The idea of a time-traveling wrestler from the 1980s is as high-concept as the storyline in WCW in which the Ultimate Warrior returned to wrestling but was only shown in the hallucinations of Hulk Hogan, which the documentary crew's cameras somehow had access to. What I mean, of course, is that both are pretty great.

Max "The Axe" Damage's continual nomenclature confusion puts him in the company of luminaries such as John "Cougar" Mellencamp, Cardinal Joseph "Pope Benedict XVI" Ratzinger, and "Roseanne".

Why is the Flame shown in front of society's most potent force for its eradication? That's like showing Chris DeLorean standing in front of 1990.

Inferno is the Overly Expressive Bass Player of KPW.

"Lazarus Volt: Fresh from the 1890s". How has he been kept fresh from a time when domestic refrigeration was far from widespread, and cryogenics unheard of? We are clearly meant to imply from the man's moniker that his presence amongst us of the 2010s owes a debt to some manner of bodily rebirth, possibly scientific in nature, but why would a man with such potent spiritual and/or technological acumen choose to focus his attentions on reviving the circus traditions of a bygone age? Lazarus Volt poses so many questions and answers so few.

By exhibiting technical prowess and a lean musculature even past the ripe age of 80(?), Irishman Mike Ryan gives the lie to the notion that his countrymen are all drunken poets with non-ridiculous trou.

Calling yourself "Jade Diamond" is like saying you're "A Cast-Iron Gold Nugget", or changing your name to "Knifey Gunn". Which Jade Diamond should definitely consider doing.

I can't help noticing that The Maori Warrior (one of my KPW favourites) is the only wrestler without a catchphrase. Are they saying black people are inarticulate? RACIALIST.

The King of Cool says, "Smell my finger!"

The first time I saw The Brute wrestle, he was wearing tight spandex shorts and there was not a man, woman or child in attendance who could avoid the fact of his tumescent enthusiasm for the thrill of the ring. When Brute engaged his foe in a particularly punishing grapple, a young boy behind me yelled, "FEED HIM THE SAUSAGE!" The egregious inappropriateness of this display of bulging manhood was clearly not lost on KPW staff, as Brute's next appearance saw him wearing extremely loose-fitting camo trousers. Amazingly, the soldier still stood to uncomfortably visible attention. I like to imagine I can't see any evidence of engorgement in this picture, but as Brute is not here presented in what scriptwriters call the "ethical habit of action" (in this case, wrestling), it's hard to tell what this means.

Hollie once took her top off and made out with a future star of Show of Hands for a movie I made, and hence I cannot say a bad word about her.

"Honey, the technician's here, can you show him what the TV's doing?"

Jimmy Fox was great in Collaboral, but his best work was probably in Rhey.

The first time I saw Terry the Golden Greek wrestle, he shocked and impressed me by donning a vivid crimson mask to the delighted howls of a crowd whipped into xenophobic frenzy by his nakedly race-baiting taunts. The reason this was shocking was that the two hysterically traumatized children in the front row, watching the gross Mediterranean caricature endure this ritual scourging for our shameful amusement, were apparently Terry's kids.


Robyn said...

I used to wonder why my high school PE teacher insisted on calling John Cougar Mellancamp "Johnny Cougar".

(Not that that has anything to do with 99% of this piece. But that's what sparked off something in my brain.)

Joanna said...

I like this.

neocowboy said...

I like the name Knifey Gunn. It reminds me on the American Express commercial with Wes Anderson asking for a handgun with a bayonet. Also I personally feel that Maori are not technically black, that term is reserved for peoples descended from African or Australian Aboriginals.

Homage said...

@Robyn: Make you think, make you laugh, make you hug a stranger... I will take what I can get.

@Neocowboy: That is an ongoing debate.

Hugh said...

I'm pretty sure there's a pornstar called Jade Diamond. I wonder if the pools of non-ridiculous, genre-appropriate names for both the wrestling and onscreen-sex-having professions gets depleted so quickly because they're both supping from the same dish? (And by 'dish' I mean 'man's penis', and by 'supping' I mean... never mind)

Homage said...

@Hugh: You raise a valid point, but why does the stage-magician genre also bleed into this category? There's not enough difference between Criss Angel and Buck Angel for my liking.

Hugh said...

Are a lot of stage magicians former pornstars, or former wrestlers? I forget.

Coeli said...

funfunfun! I just enjoy imagining all these hulking fellows chatting (or bellowing) in charming New Zealand eexents.

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