Thursday, March 19, 2009

Twitter For Power Users: Three Steps To Maximise Your Twitter Potential

As a social-media expert and new-media professional, people are always asking me, "how can I get more followers on Twitter?" This is a good question and it's the right time to ask it: The Twitgeist is quickly merging with the public consciousness and it's the right time to make sure your army contains as many loyal Twitlites as possible. Here, I outdo all the other guides to maxing out the numbers of your Twitciples, to provide the one-stop reference to making sure you make as many peoples' Twitlists as humanly possible.

Don't try to buy this shirt.
It is awarded only to the
fascinatingest Tweetoes. I
have three myself.

1. Make sure you have something to say. This is an obvious one. Would you want to read a Twitfeed consisting of observations on the intricacies of air traffic regulations, not buying new cds, or software debugging? No you would not; that's a stupid idea. If you can't say something scintillating, don't say anything at all. Click these words for examples on how to Twit With Meaning.

Some Tweeters are so eager
to get Tweeting they don't
even have time for a proper
username, or pants.

2. Tweet publically and often. If you want to see your Follower count skyrocket - and who doesn't? - be aware that putting yourself out there yields results. Plenty of Tweeters are just waiting to find you and your Tweets, and will reward you not only with that all-important bump in Follower numbers, but lucrative offers of cheap and free electronic hardware, medicinal products and even scholastic qualifications. Making yourself and your friends known to these helpful types can pay dividends in spiking that Follower count.

To get a Follower cloud
like this, you need to defeat
ALL gym leaders.

3. Search the right areas. Some Tweeple will only appear in certain places and even times of day. If you want to see that Follower list display a nice high number, be aware that you'll have to search not just around towns but also in Grass, Ponds and even Caves for Tweeters to add to your overflowing list. Remember: the goal is to have as many followers as possible, and for that, you're going to have to work hard, treat your Tweeties well, and carry the right ball for the right Follower type. Also, pitting a Water-type Twitterer against a Mud-type is a recipe for disaster.


someonefromsometime said...

This was very entertaining! great meshing of words with twitter. Excellent satire.
c you around...

Homage said...

Dear Someone, I am moved to tears at the notion that someone reads my blog. Stay beautiful, you beautiful human being.

Sky Garry said...

Aren't you fascinated by the psychology of Twitter, though? Why anyone would want to sign up for it in the first place?

Here are some words I associate with twitter: banal, narcassistic, self-important, self-indulgent, egotistical, self-congratulatory, shallow, inane, pointless, vapid. Notice there weren't any positive words there?

I mean, instead of text messaging, where at least your messages can be targetted properly, twittering implies that you think EVERYONE YOU KNOW wants to hear EVERYTHING YOU SAY.

The best you can say about Twitter is that you can ignore it if you want to. But really, if you found out that someone you knew had signed up for Twitter, wouldn't your first thought be of disappointment or revulsion? I forgive people who have private vices they keep to themselves, but twitter is public in nature.

It's odd that of all the sensible people I respect in the world, all the people whose judgement is sound, none of them have signed up for twitter.

Homage said...


Coincidentally, I am as we speak watching Steven Colbert discuss Twitter with Biz Stone. I am struck by the thought that if the two would only indulge in some hearty back-slapping at their fortune to be members of the first generation to discover atheism, we would be at the perfect storm of 2.0 nerdery.

I find Twitter a lot of fun, but I think it's important to separate "playing with a neat little toy" from "changing the nature of communication in the 21st Century". I'm not sure if the people of 2019 will regard Twitter much more seriously than we regard the Roller Derby or Powerpoint-based art installations, but those things were a bit of fun at the time too.

Which is to say, I sympathise with your deeper criticisms of the service, but if you're able to put aside all the ridiculous "what does this MEAN?" puff journalism related to Twitter... well, it's not like banal, narcissistic self-congratulation was wholly absent from c21st life before Twitter came along and discovered (and dedicated itself to furthering) it.