As a highly successful twenty-first century Marriage doctor (you can see it on my plaque on my wall if you doubt me), I'm glad you came. You're right, you're rightt, of course - you don't need counselling. Hey. I'm not here to judge. Just let's you and I just rap, just have a talk, the three of us.
Just last week I had a couple in here, newlyweds, lovely folk, and I'm going to tell you what I told them: if you want your marriage to last, you're going to have to knock it off with the beating. I know, I know, you think it's fun, you think it's cute, you're a couple of wide-eyed young kids, you're crazy about each other, and nothing says love like violent mutual bodily insult. And that's great.
In the long run, it's just not going to cut it. Believe me - people get tired of reciprocal violence. May shock you to hear this - and I'm not saying you gotta believe everything you hear between these walls, lined though they may be with certificates of my infallible conciliatory wisdom - but it happens. People get tired.
I mean hey - I haven't. I can take a lickin' and keep on tickin, if ya know what I mean, and if you don't that's okay, I sure as hell don't either. But I'm here to tell you, whallopping don't last forever.
Let me make a suggestion to you. It's just a suggestion, just a take it down the park, toss it into the ol' pigskin, see if it makes good catching. Here it is. If you're thinking now might be a good time for violence, maybe it's not.
I know, I know, it's crazy. But try it out. When you get home, take a walk together. That's all - just a walk. No strings attached. Listen to the wind whispering in the trees. Watch the young ducklings gamboling and frolicking by the river. If you're passed on your travels by another couple, arm in arm, enjoying the evening just as you are, give them a smile and a nod - ain't this a lovely evening?
And if you're moved by that burning sunset melting into the horizon turning the whole sky a vibrant shade makes you just want to sing, and you think, the only thing would make this evening more perfect is if I turned to my beloved and slugged 'em right in the goddamn jaw - just don't.
Take in a movie together. I hear the new Richard Gere flick's quite lovely. Reaffirms your faith in the power of love, so they say. Couples go along bickering, come out lost in each others' eyes. Go see a movie together, just like it was your first date again. Buy her popcorn. Share your Tangy Fruits with him. Snuggle up and watch the movie together. And listen - I know when you're huddled up together, in the dark, feeling all alone in the moment, it might feel like you could just - whap! - snap your elbow back, catch your lover square in the nose, make their eyes water so they can't see you winding up for a really solid kick to the gut. I know, I know, it's right there, you'd be a damn fool not to go for it - but just do me a favour. Just try not assaulting your spouse in a crowded movie-house. Who knows, you might like it.
We're all adults here - I can tell you, this philosophy of mutual non-beating can even spread to the bedroom. Listen, I know that the moment of orgasm is the perfect time to deliver a totally unexpected fist smack-dab into the soft meat of your sexual partner's face. I'm not a young man, alright, I've been around. I know it's damn near irresistable - and in the heat of the moment, I don't blame you. But just - just this once, you don't have to tell me about it, I just want - just give it a try. Just let sex happen, without inducing blunt-force trauma. I mean hey, I could be way out on this, I don't pretend to have all the answers - just give it a go.
I think you'll find that with a little time, and a little patience, and just a measure of self-control, that this whole idea could really go somewhere. I really do. Have a great time, guys, and I'll see you next week.